As soon as I’m finished with my Life lately update blog post, I shut down the laptop and decided to go to bed. I did not sleep immediately because I was having a conversation with someone through sms. At first, we were talking about my blog until we reached to the topic of my being an introvert. He then frankly told me something which surprised me. He said he noticed that my introvert personality is slowly leading me to narcissism. I was in a state of being puzzled/confused when I read his message. At first I don’t exactly get what he meant by that. Is he telling me I’m a narcissistic? What the?! I asked him why so he has this kind of thinking. I wanted him to state examples of me being narcissistic. I mean like what? He then told me to stop or at least limit this so-called GM(Group Message) I always do when texting. Because you know, I have this impulse to do such thing everyday, like instead of sending quotes, my messages usually contains personal details about what happened to me that day, my feelings, my plans for the next day, what I wanted my friends to know, etc. I admit that it may appear to be annoying to others but seriously I’m not aware that it is being narcissistic. Is it? Gosh. 

It’s quite late when we decided to sleep. I checked the time, it’s already 12:30 am. As I was closing my eyes, random thoughts again came up my mind. It seems like I am still bothered about the narcissistic issue on me. A lot of questions came like, “Do I have an attitude problem or an alarming personality disorder?”, “Am I Over Acting?”, “Is there a lot of people hating on me?”. Oh God forgive me I am not aware. But the  thing that feared me the most is the thought that maybe there are really people who hate me. I can carry all sorts of depression in my life but I’m no good in handling the haters, seriously. I am a very sensitive person and this is my weakness. I sometimes don’t know how to defend myself and I easily cry. Yes, because I have a lot of experiences being bullied when I was still in high school. I remember how my classmates would laugh at me when I was scolded by the principal just because I’m the class president but I can’t discipline my classmates well, when there were some boys who would get a lizard and suddenly throw it to me, and the worst my guy classmate who told me “mabusong kaw gid magcollege”/ I will be impregnated when I reached college. Scenarios like that had hurt me intensely. Maybe these experiences made me what I am today–introvert, narcissistic, self-centered and whatever they might think of me. 

And I cried my heart out a lot again last night until I fell asleep. Until now I am worried  and I guess I am starting to hate myself. :( I’m a nurse yet I find it hard to help my own self. I am a loser.

When I woke up in the morning today, my mom noticed my puffy eyes and asked me if I cried. I answered, “ No, I just didn’t get enough sleep”. Then he smiled and said, “It’s Okay”. Oh I love you mom.